What is a reamsbottom?

Okay, I’m not really that picky of a guy, and I know I do a lot of things wrong that pisses my wife off. But she still wakes up everyday and says, “I love you honey.”The other day however, I received an email that was signed “love ya” from my wife. WHAT THE HELL?

Love ya is what you say to your best buddy when you have had too many drinks, and you want to tell your buddy he really is a good shit, and you are glad you are friends. It is not used by spouses.Had I used that phrase I’m sure that I would have received a comment from my wife. That being said, now when she is ticking me off, I just look at her and say “love ya”. She smiles and calls me an ass.

reamsbottom factor(reemz.bah.tum fack.tor): the factor that is the significant difference between “love you” and “love ya”.

So I was approached by a co-worker today in regards to a personal dilemma she had. She preceded the questions with “you have had lots of dating experience, so I thought I would ask you.” My memory fails me quite often, but I do believe she almost made quote marks with her fingers when she said “experience.” But that doesn’t matter… I was rather flattered, that a good-looking single woman, came to a married, fat guy for relationship advice.

Sidenote: Being a fat guy does not mean you don’t know how to please the ladies, win them over, or talk to them keeping their utmost interest … it simply means you can’t do so in a tiny car. I apologize for the digression from the story, but it had to be said.

So the question was, “How do I tell a guy I had one date with, that I don’t want to see him again?”

I responded with a question men everywhere will appreciate, “Bluntly.”

The reason I gave this answer, is because men are dumb when it comes to women. If we are attracted to you, and you say, “I can’t go out for dinner tonight, maybe some other time” we actually think you mean some other time. We don’t understand that you actually mean, “You have a nose hair issue, and you are kind of a nerd… you don’t even begin to meet my unreasonable standards.”

Bluntness is everyones friend. Men actually understand, and women don’t have to worry about a guy asking to go out with her ten times over. Oh and guys, I have to give you the man code warning; if the lady is nice enough to be blunt, take the hint, don’t be a dink.

So then my lovely coworker put much more faith in my relationship abilities, and asked what she should say. I have to admit, at this time, the smart ass in me took over. I am about to share with you some of the best let down lines I can think of, but lets be real… being blunt does not mean you have to be rude.

1. I would love to go for dinner, but the though of you makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit, so for health reasons I can’t.
2. I would love to go out for coffee, but I was hoping to go with your smarter, better looking, younger brother. You do have a brother right?
3. I would love to go out with you, but I was hoping to have kids one day, and you just don’t have the genes I’m looking for, so I’ll have turn you down. It’s not that you aren’t a nice guy, I just don’t want to be responsible for the demise of our species by letting you mate.

Okay, so those are pretty rude… I agree. I would never say that nor want that said to me. Instead I said, “Thanks thinking of me, and thankfor the offer, but I’m afraid I will have to pass on your offer. Take care.” How nice is that! And its blunt! No need for turning down the guy again.. unless he’s an idiot. No need to feel that he ma misconstrue your meaning.

Yes he will be disappointed, but he won’t think you a liar and he won’t think you rude. All he will think is , “Shit, I blew my chances with that girl.” And really is this not the ultimate goal.

I have learnt something in all my dating experience, and that is that we waste our own time by not being blunt and going for what we want. Everyone has certain things they want in a relationship. What are those things, does the person you date have those things? No. Then answer why you are in the relationship. If the answer is that the person you are dating made you realize you want new things… then definitely explore the relationship. If the answer is “I don’t know” then get the hell out, and search some more. Don’t stay in a relationship to not be alone, stay in a relationship because that person makes your engine purr.

Most importantly, if a guy or girl asks you out, and you don’t want to go, don’t feel guilty for saying no. But say no for the right reasons.

Finally, I would just like to point out, that I am so happy I’m married. Not only am I happy because I have found that woman that makes my engine purr, my lips smile and my heart pound, but also because after helping my coworker today, I realized how great it is to be married. The challenges are new. Marriage challenges different comfort levels and the rewards are that much greater. It isn’t so much the certificate of marriage that accomplishes this, but the sense that you have found the person you want to grow old with

reamsbottom(reemz.bah.tum): 1. a man who loves his wife. 2. a person to grow old with.

reamsbottom(reemz.bah.tum): the point you hit during a stressful week that causes you to leave early for the weekend.

Example: I have reached reamsbottom, and I need to go home and have a drink.

If you are annoyed with me typing on my laptop while I sit next to you…. MOVE.

Don’t stare at me thinking it will make the (oh so light) clicking stop. In fact when you stare at me and give me a dirty look, it will cause me to type more. Case in point, I am writing this freaking post complaining about you.So a definition then….

reamsbottom (reemz.bah.tum): The guy being annoyed by you getting annoyed.

This image seems to sum it up best. Thanks to Nicholas at Bluurb

Maybe it’s because I am turning 30 this year, or maybe its because I’m a curmudgeon, but I hate it when people sit around with a frickin’ cake and sing happy birthday. I hated it when I was a kid, and I hate it now.

When I was a kid, I was shy and I didn’t think I had a good singing voice. The only person I have ever liked to hear sing Happy Birthday, is Marylin Monroe. Thats only because it was sexy.

So in a few days I turn 30, and my co-workers decide that they would like to help me celebrate by having cake. Now don’t get me wrong, the recognition of my ass getting a year older is appreciated, but really not necessary. One of my coworkers tries so hard to organize us into a group to eat cake together, but then never joins us. She hounded me for a week asking me what time would be good, and when on that day would be good. Mainly, because I leave for lunch… generally when the cake eating and crappy singing is done. After telling her time after time, to not worry about cake and to just miss my birthday this year, I finally broke down and said fine, I would like cinnamon buns on Wednesday morning during our meeting. “That doesn’t work for me,” she replies with a straight face. “Why ask then,” I reply. Two more hours of hounding makes me break down and agree to Friday after I get back from lunch at 1pm.

I go about my day after this thinking for sure that this solution is final. Nope.

“The only time we can schedule a meeting for such and such a council is Friday at 1pm, so we have to move your birthday celebration.” My response of “just cancel it” is met with disapproval. I say fine, “thursday at 1pm, but no singing.”

You would think this would be an acceptable answer. There are religions which refuse to eat birthday cake or sing, because it is against there beliefs… and there are people in my office that purposely book their birthday off, just so they don’t have to arrange a time for cake, or be at work to listen to that awful song.

It was not acceptable. A debate took place. I was not happy… but I won. At least I thought I did. After the debate an email went out explaining the time change for the birthday, and at the bottom of the display was a side note: “By the way, the curmudgeon wants no singing.” The note didn’t bother me… yet.

Thursday 1PM has come and gone. We had cake. And 2 people, whom need not be named, sang. Then announced that I can’t request “no singing”. Now at this point, I had probably had one of the worst days ever. It started by spilling on my shirt immediately after reaching work, listen to my wife panic, listen to health care providers be rude to me on the phone, listen to my wife cry, and then spend most of the rest of my morning on the phone trying to finance something that should be free in Canada with a funded health care system (long story… even longer than this one). Then I went home, to find my dog had ripped to shreds the stuffing from the sleeping bag in her dog house. After all of that I came back to work to be sang to in an off key manner, one of the lamest songs in the world.

Oh and the best part, was after that, everyone asked how old I was, and I said, “30″. I was asked 4 times and each time the response was this, “30… its all down hill after that.” Reeaaalllllyyyyy. Is that why everyone must have cake and sing when I don’t want them to. I mean I understand, not celebrating means no cake… but the singing… COME ON!

So I have now decided that I will no longer celebrate my birthday. Not for religious reasons, not for political reasons, but for the reasons explored above. So to conclude, I leave you with a definition.

reamsbottom (reemz.bah.tum): a curmudgeon who denies birthday celebrations for him or herself not to piss others off, but to maintain his or her own sanity.